Balance…..What is that?   I find myself thinking that regularly.  I have truly never learned to balance my life.  I am so busy all of the time, that when I don’t have anything to do, I am a little confused.  I usually rest or lay around because I realize that I am exhausted.  This can be seen by the fact that I have not written a post in over two months.  I have been so stressed out, and of course for me, that means:  “Take out the stress on my body by eating!!”  I hate when I do that to myself, but I have found out these past few months that old habits die hard.  I am now at my heaviest weight ever.  I now weigh about 400 pounds.  That is incredible!  I remember telling myself, back around 1998, that I would never weigh over 300 pounds.  Now, over 100 pounds later, I am looking at the past 13 years of my life and I am wondering what went wrong.  What is the missing link in my life that gives me reason to medicate with food.

This past year, has been a huge year for me.  I have learned so much about myself.  I have been able to heal from a lot of pain and hurt that I had been hiding from for a long time.   I am so grateful for what I have learned.  I just had another birthday a week ago.  I can honestly say, this is the first time that I have ever truly stopped to ponder my life and my life experience.  When I did that, I realized that I am not really happy about what I have achieved in my life.  Yes, I have done many things, and I am grateful for all of those things because I know that Heavenly Father’s hands where in all of it.  As far as my spiritual growth is concerned, I do not feel that I have accomplished what I could have in these 43 years of my life.  I am feeling a sense of urgency about my life.  I feel like I have a lot to do, and a short time to do it in.  I have spent a good chunk of my life wallowing away in self-pity and self-destruction.  My compulsive overeating has been a means of stunting my spiritual growth.  It has slowed down my progression.  As a matter of fact, FOOD has become the most important thing in my life.  It is so hard to say that, and unfortunate as it is, it is the truth.  Living a life of self-gratification changes you.  I controls your life to some degree or another.  It is a dark place.

When things started to get bad for me these past 4 or 5 months, I turned to food to comfort myself instead of turning to God.  So, I have to set some new goals to get back on track.  I am going to spend this week on spiritual nourishment; feasting on the Word.   We do not currently have a working television in our home, so this is perfect timing for me this week.  Of the spare time that I have this week, I will spend the majority of it on spiritual nourishment.

I am truly grateful for my life.  Now it is time to start making my life something that I am really proud of.  I will start with myself.

Kyeni