This journey has given me many opportunities to learn about life.  One of the areas that I have gained a greater understanding about is the blessing of the gift of agency.  Agency is our gift of choice in this world.  We received that gift from our Father in Heaven through Adam and Eve when they partook of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil.  By them partaking of that fruit, it enabled us to understand that there are “alternatives” as stated by Elder D. Todd Christofferson.   These alternatives are our choices.  We were able to comprehend that everything has is opposite.   Without these choices, we could not understand good if there were no bad;  holiness if there were no wickedness; cold if there were no hot; life if there was no death.  We as children of a loving Father in Heaven could not truly understand righteousness if there were no sin.  These are things that we needed to learn if we were to grow and progress.

We have the opportunity to choose the paths that we will take, and with those choices come great responsibility.  There are consequences attached to the choices that we make.  In other words, to every action, there is an equal reaction whether it be good or bad.  The unfortunate thing is that the sins that we commit cut us off from the presence of our Father in Heaven.  The scriptures tell us that no unclean thing can live in the presence of God.  Our Father knew this, so He  provided a way for us to come back into His presence.  That way is through the Savior Jesus Christ.  He gave His life and atoned for our sins so that we w0uld have the opportunity to repent for our sins if we are truly sincere and humble.  The beauty of this gift of choice is that it allows us to grow.  When we experience opposition, over time, we learn to make correct choices.  We learn through our own individual experiences.    This is something that I have gained greater understanding about during this journey that I am undergoing.   

I have come to understand that the trials that we go through are for our good and our benefit.  They are there to help us to grow, and we certainly will not grow if there are no trials in our lives.  I truly have a better understanding of the importance of being healthy because I have spent the majority of my life being unhealthy.  I have felt the pain in my joints, my knees in particular, from my bones trying to hold up my excessive weight. 

I love swimming.  When I am swimming, the water is very bouyant, and it makes me feel like I am 200 pounds lighter.  I don’t feel any pain in my joints.  I feel like I am floating.  It is not until I start to get out of the pool and  I take my first step up out of the pool and onto the ground that I realize the extent of my weight.  All of those pounds come crashing down on my bones.  It is a reality check like none other.  I do not think that I could have fully understood the extent of my weight without the pool or some other activity that gave me the same sensation.   We learn so much because of these types of opposites.  They are such a blessing to our lives. 

I am learning now because I am choosing to learn.  I am choosing to open my eyes and see things as they truly are and not as they appear to be.  Appearances can be deceptive, and can lead us astray if we allow it.   I am in search of truth, and by way of this search, I am looking for the positive things that are to be learned in the struggles that I am and have experienced in my life.  One of the most important things that I have learned is that our Heavenly Father is there no matter what trials we go through.  Our Stake President Allan Pratt was giving a talk in one or our conferences, and he recited this quote:  “The Lord is a perfect gentleman.  He will not go where He is not invited.”  When we are going through the trials of this life, the Lord will be there to help us get through those trials, but we have to ask for His help, and invite Him into our lives.  This is the key that was missing when I was going through the trials in my life.

When I was young, I did not have a relationship with God, so I dealt with the trials the best way that I knew how to.  The devil was banking on that because he put many obstacles in my path.  One by one, I would surcomb to those obstacles.  I was slowly and gently being lead away from my Father by the choices that I was making.  I continued to traverse those dark places until my mind was full of darkness.  That is when I hit what I felt was rock bottom.  That was about five months ago right before I started this blog.  I wasn’t a bad person, per se, but I wasn’t happy.  I hated myself because I did not truly understand who I was and what  my purpose in life was.  I was slowly destroying myself because of the darkness that I was allowing in my life.  I was yielding my agency over to Satan.  Satan was like what M. Russell Ballard described as a fly fisherman that had cunninglyand deceptively  created some beautifully perfect looking lures in order to trick the trout into believing that they were insects.  I, being the trout, would continually take the bait.   When I got to the point that I just could not do it any more, I realized that I had been living my life my way, and not the Lord’s way.  When I reached out to the Lord, He was there for me.  He was waiting to open my eyes so that I could see those deceptive lures for what they truly were. 

I am using my agency now to help me draw closer to my Father in Heaven.   I am learning something new every day, and I am happier than I have ever been in my life.  I look at my past now as an opportunity for me to grow and learn.  I have no ill feelings toward anyone that made their own choices that adversely affected me.  We all have choices to make and we are all accountable for those choices.  I can only hope and pray that those individuals have or will utilize the atonement of Jesus Christ in their lives and repent so that they can move forward and continue to progress towards our Father in Heaven.  I love them and I love my Father in Heaven and His Son Jesus Christ.

Kyeni