In my last two posts, I talked about some very painful memories that happened to me as a child.  Not knowing how to really deal with all of that darkness, I allowed all of that darkness to negatively affect me physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Up until this moment in my life, I continued to allow all of those negative memories to consciously and subconsciously control my life.  In my last two posts, I took all of that dark energy and I looked at it.  I accepted it for what it was.  I learned what I could from it, and I released it.  I turned it over to God. 

The Lord has been teaching me so much.  I have basically been in spiritual school for about 3 months now.  It is going slowly, but I am learning.  I am learning about God’s relationship with me, and the relationship that I am supposed to have with myself.  In short, the Lord is helping me to rebuild my life.  Different talks, scriptures and quotes keep coming my direction.  The cool thing is that they all in some way apply to me and what I am going through.  It is amazing!!

I was listening to a BYU address by Elder Jeffery R. Holland.  The talk was called:  “Remember Lot’s Wife.”  It was a great talk.  One of the things that really hit home to me from that talk is about forgiveness.  Elder Holland talked about forgiving those that have wronged you.  He said that we need to deal with the things that we need to, and then forgive that person, and then forget about it.  He also said that we need to remember just enough about the situation so we do not fall back into the same habits, but we basically need to move on.  He said that that is what the atonement of Jesus Christ is all about.  The Savior paid for those sins.  The Lord said that He will forgive who He will forgive, but for us, we must forgive everyone.  That includes ourselves. 

This has been my biggest problem over the years.  I blamed myself for a lot of  things that happened to me (Many of which I had no control over.).  I hated myself over all those years because I did not have hope or faith that the Lord would heal me.  I did not have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life back then, but I have it now.  It is time for a change.  I know who I am.  I know that I am literally a child of the Most High God.  He is my Eternal Father, and I know He loves me.  I also know that my elder Brother Jesus Christ came to this earth and offered Himself as a sacrifice for me.  He has experienced everything that I have gone through in my life, so He is aware of my trials.  He allowed Himself to suffer so that I would not have to live in darkness.   I, over all of these years, have chosen to hold all of this dark energy in as a means of protection, but ultimately, all of that hidden darkness was slowing my progression.  I lived that way for the majority of my life, but now it is time to heal.  It is time for me to write a new story about my life, and this story will be about my walk in the light.

I feel as if I had been standing in a pitch black room with the door closed my entire life.  Now, I have just opened the door, stepped out of the black room and into a completely white room and closed the door behind me.  I look on the floor at my feet, and there is a pallet of all different colors of paint, and some paint brushes.  The white walls will become a mural of my new life, and under the direction of my Father, I will become a master painter.   The paint is at my feet. 

Kyeni Rechel