In my last post, I unloaded a lot of dark information.  I can actually say that releasing that hurt and pain was long overdue.  I have finally given myself permission to heal, and it feels good.  I feel safe talking about these things because I know that I have a great support system, and most of all, I have a loving Heavenly Father to walk with  me through this process.   I did not have that relationship with Him when I was younger.  He was there, but I just didn’t know it yet.  I was always taught that there was a God, and that Jesus Christ was the Savior.  I always knew that, but I did not comprehend that God was literally my Father, and that He and the Savior knew me and loved me individually.

This is how I know that God knows what we are going through.  In the middle of all of the craziness that was going on in my life, He brought an amazing gift to me that would literally save my life.   That gift came in the form of music.  You see, at end of the third grade, a music teacher came around and gave all of the 3rd graders a music test.  I did not know what it was for, I just knew it was easy.  What I didn’t know is that she used the base-line data from that test to pick the students with the highest scores to be in a special class the next year in the 4th grade.  The following year, she started going around and pulling kids from class.   When she started calling out names, I didn’t know what she wanted, I just wanted to go to get out of class.  My name was the last name that she called in my class.  I was so excited.  When we went down to her classroom, I found out what it was for.  We would all be in her orchestra class, and I chose to play the violin.  I didn’t know it then, but that was a gift from God.  He helped me tap into that hidden talent that was within me.   Something good actually came out of me, and it came out at the exact time that I needed it the most.  I have always known that I had a special relationship with my violin, and I knew to some extent why I was so attached to the violin, but I really and truly understand it now.  That violin was a guardian angel that protected me from myself and others.  It allowed me to focus on something beautiful while ugliness was going on all around me.  It allowed me to bear the darkness when I couldn’t bear it alone.  What a special gift. 

Although the molestation continued on and off until I was about 16, I was able to bear it because I would just go and grab my violin and practice for several hours.  When I finished practicing, I felt better.  Eating was my other source of comfort.  I continued to gain weight.  Miraculously, the ridicule from family and friends declined after elementary school.  I was very quiet though.  I was totally an introvert through most of my middle and high school years.  I was not that way in my music classes though.  I was very competitive there.

In my post yesterday, I talked about a conversation that I had with a hometown friend.  During that conversation, I realized that a number of boys in my neighborhood tried to date me.  These guys were not good guys.  As a matter of fact all of the men of my past, with the exception of my first love and one other, that tried to date me were the worst possible guys to date.   All of the male attention that I was getting, including the attention of my uncle, was inappropriate.  They did not look at me as a beautiful young woman.  They looked at me as a piece of flesh that could be ravaged.  Luckily I was smart enough to avoid the boys, but the damage from years of my uncle’s unwanted attention had already been done.  It had affected my self-esteem in the worse possible way, and those feelings of no self-worth would stay with me through most of my adult life.

As can be seen now, the residue of my childhood still lingers within me, but I am slowly but surely taking control of my life with the help of my Father in Heaven.  I have hope where no hope existed.  I feel love where no love was given.  Everyday, I take a step out of the darkness and into the light, and for that, I am truly grateful.  “I am a beloved spirit daughter of God.  My life has meaning, purpose and direction.  I am a woman of faith, virtue, vision and charity.  I’m a beloved spirit daughter of God.”  Relief Society Declaration

Kyeni