I hadn’t really talked about any real aspects of my darkness because I wasn’t ready, but my purpose for this blog is to help me to heal and hopefully to help others to heal along the way.  So, I have decided to be really open and honest about my life.  One thing I know for sure is that if I feel some of these things, I know others probably have some similar feelings as well.

This past year was a really bad year for me.  I was so stressed out, and I just felt depressed.  So, instead of dealing with my feelings, I just ate myself silly.  I overdosed on candy and junk food.  Of course, I started gaining weight.  When I started gaining weight, I got more depressed, so I ate more junk.  I was on a really bad vicious cycle that I could not get out of.  I got to the point that I just started to give up.  I stopped taking regular showers.  I stopped washing my face and brushing my teeth.

When your body is as large as mine, you develop rolls of fat.  Dirt and bacteria can get trapped in between these rolls.  If unchecked, an odor will develop.  That has always been a fear of mine.  So, I have always tried to be pretty clean.  That wasn’t happening when I was trapped in my dark place.  I gave up on washing properly.  One day, my husband and I were going out.  When we got into the car, my husband said:  “Something smells bad in here.”  I knew it was me, but I didn’t say anything.  I was slightly bothered by the comment, but I was so lost that I didn’t care.  He didn’t say it to be mean to me.  He honestly thought that something smelled bad in the car, and he was right.  One would have thought that this incident would have turned me around, but it didn’t.  I just went to a darker place.  It wasn’t until right before I started the Rechel’s Journey blog that I decided to turn the other direction.  I finally realized that I was going somewhere away from the Lord, my family and my friends.  Most of all, I realized that I was losing myself.  I was turning into a Rechel that I didn’t like.  I was still hanging on because I had the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, but His light, because of my personal choices, was starting to dim.

It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that the Lord helped me realize what all of that was all about.  Satan has no power over us except for the power that we give him.  When I started to doubt myself and engage in negative self talk, I opened the door to let Satan into my life.  I momentarily forgot that I am literally a daughter of God, born of royal lineage.  Once I gave up that power to Satan, he ran in the front door and had a field day with me.  He was leading and guiding me, and I was choosing to follow him because of the negative things that I was telling myself. 

I had gone to a dark place that I had never gone before, and that was a scary place for me.  It was that scary place and promptings from the Spirit that helped me turn the other direction.  A couple of days ago, a very profound thought came to my mind.  The thought was that when we allow Satan to lead us into that dark place, he becomes happy that he has pulled us away from our Father in Heaven.  During that process of him leading us into darkness, he actually gives us a glimpse of what his life is truly like and what his life will be like for all eternity.  It is also what our life will be like if we choose to follow him.  It is a life of sadness, hurt, loneliness, coldness, anger, contempt, sorrow, fear and darkness.  I went through most of these emotions during that time, and I don’t ever want to go through that again.  He knows where my weaknesses are, and he is going to try to lead me in his direction when I allow him to, but I do not want him to have that kind of power in my life.  That is why it is so important to make sure that I am reading my scriptures daily, and praying constantly for strength to overcome my weaknesses.

The Lord has truly blessed me this week.  I love Him so much, and I know He loves me and knows me individually.  I know that if I am obedient to the things that He has asked me to do, He will bless me with the strength that I need to overcome anything that is placed before me.

Rechel