I am learning a lot about myself lately.  I am like an onion.  There are a lot of layers.  I am working everyday to peel those layers back.  In order for me to move forward in my life, this step is necessary.

After I made my decision to do my Trek, I got scared.  Right after the decision was made to do this Trek, I started to eat some bad things.  I wasn’t really gaining weight, but I wasn’t losing either.  I told myself that I wasn’t going to be able to make it, and a bunch of other negative stuff.  That stuff started floating in my head, and I stopped losing weight.  You see, not gaining weight is a good thing, but not losing it is actually a really bad thing because of this huge Trek ahead of me.  If I don’t lose some weight, it will be very difficult for me to be successful.  So, I was actually sabotaging myself again, but still in a destructive way.

I didn’t want anyone to know about this Trek except the people that I decided to share it with.  I definitely did not want the media over there to find out.  I felt and still do feel that this Trek is not about publicity, it is about a spiritual journey for me.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I didn’t want people to know because I was afraid that if I wasn’t able to complete the Trek, I would be embarrassed if the media gave me some bad press.  I didn’t want people to judge me.  My husband told me that I needed to contact some people over there for safety, and I actually did plan on doing that, I just wanted to keep it on the down low.

I talked to a good and very wise friend of mine last night, and she helped me see that I was and still am acting in fear.   This is where my faith and trust in the Lord has to come in.  There is something that He wants me to accomplish over there.  I don’t know exactly what it is yet, so I am completely flying in the dark.  That is a little scary for me.  I know that I have to prepare myself and get myself over there.  I just don’t know how I am going to accomplish it yet, and I don’t know how my body is going to be able to make it.  That is the fear in me, but I am making a promise to turn my fear over to the Lord and allow Him to direct my path.  I will not be able to accomplish this on my own, but I know that He will help me.  I just need to start walking in the right direction, LITERALLY.

Kyeni