It has been over a month since I have written.  A lot has transpired since then.  I have learned a lot about myself and my eating habits during this time.  I did exactly what I said I was not going to do.  I allowed myself to get overly busy.  As a matter of fact, I was busier this year than I have ever been.  I was so stressed out because of all of the commitments that I needed to accomplish that I stopped caring about myself and my commitment to myself.  I went back to the old tried and true behaviors that I have been trying to eliminate.  I went back to my old destructive comfort zone.  I put all of my weight back on, and I am experiencing some pain in my body again because of extreme weight.

There is something positive out of this though.  In the past, I would be saying all kinds of negative things about myself, and I would be totally depressed right now.  That is not the case this time.  That is a miracle in and of itself.  This has been a period of self-analysis for me.  I got back on the scale the other day and it reads “E” again because I am too heavy for it to give me an accurate reading.  That means that I am well over 360 again.  That alone would have pushed me over the edge in the past.  Not this time!  I have come to the realization that the anger towards myself, feelings of failure, depression and anxiety over my weight are tools that the devil uses to make me feel less than who I really and truly am.  I am still a daughter of God!  I am just a 360+ pound daughter of God.  I am not happy that I have put the weight back on, but I understand more fully that I have a lot of work to do as it pertains to myself.

I have been so focused on organizing things for other people and for my job that I forgot to put Me in the forefront of that equation.  Not only did I forget to put Me in the equation, I forgot to include the Lord in it as well.  Because the two most important people were not involved in this situation, it was a recipe for disaster.  That is exactly what it was; A DISASTER!!!  All of the concerts and extra things that I had to do turned out just fine, but I was not fine.  I have been emotionally and physically a wreck for the past month and a half.  In the midst of all of that, I allowed all of that negative energy to pull me down spiritually.  Yes, that is right.  I allowed it.  I chose it.  It wasn’t taken from me.  I offered Satan the power to control me, and he willingly accepted it.  I cannot be mad at him.  He did what he does.

I tripped and fell flat on my face for a little while, but I am standing back up, and I am dusting myself off.  My eyes are back and affixed to the goal and I am starting to walk again.  I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for His love and patience with me.  I am quite troublesome, but I know that He loves me even still.

Kyeni