When you become addicted to anything, your focus becomes clouded.  I was so lost in the addiction that other aspects of my life became tarnished.  My environment became disorganized.  It has been that way for quite a long time.  I just didn’t see it for what it was.  It was a manifestation of my addiction.  The addiction darkens everything around you.  I stopped caring about whether my home was organized or not.  I stopped doing the basic things like laundry and keeping my house free of clutter.  At the focal point of my addiction, my relationship with my husband became strained.  He was seeing our lives crumbling around us, but I could not see it because all that really mattered was what snack I was going to eat next.  After I ate the snack, I made sure that the evidence was hidden away somewhere that my family could not find it.  I would hide the wrappers beside my bed, in my closet, in my car, and in my drawers.  My favorite hiding place was down in the garbage can underneath the other garbage because I knew that no one would look there.  I was such a closet eater.  My husband knew that I was eating out because I wasn’t cooking at home and I was gaining weight, but I never admitted it. 

I was living the exact life that Satan wanted me to live.  As long as I was distracted by my self-induced torment, I wasn’t putting my heart and soul into living the gospel.  He was pulling my strings and I was like his prize marionette.  Well no more of that!  I am cutting those flaxen chords one by one, and I am going to start living my life the way I choose; not the way someone else tells me to.

Today as I was driving in between jobs, I realized just how careless I had been with my life, my health and my relationship with my husband.   I was in such a dark place that I could not see past the satisfaction  of my addictive behavior.  I knew I wasn’t happy.  I just couldn’t fix the problem.  I was lost in a sea of darkness, but now I am standing at the precipice of a new life full of light, hope and love for myself.  This is something totally new for me, and I embrace it with every fiber of my being. 

At this point in my journey, I still have a long way to go, but I have truly embraced this journey.  I really and truly could not have been successful at losing some of my weight until I had dealt with some of my issues first.  Looking at my past behaviors has forced me to acknowledge my addiction, to look at it head on and not fear it, and to forgive myself for the wrongs that I have done to myself physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and having the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life has truly helped me to remember who I truly am and where I am going.   

I am so grateful for my life, and I have hope for a bright future.

Kyeni