The past two weeks have been a nightmare for me. I have been so busy with performances. I just finished my last two performances for 2010 and it feel good to have a couple of weeks break. Needless to say, I have not done so good on my journey, but I am determined to move forward now, and change my life for the good. I have struggled in darkness for way too long. I have gotten so big that it has affected everything in my life. Just putting on my shoes and socks, and even showering is a struggle for me. I realized today that everyday that I continue to gain weight is one more day towards a premature death. I am literally going to die if I continue going this direction. Some of you might not like what I just said, but it is the honest truth, and I have to get real with myself if I am going to change. This is a life or death situation now.
About a week or so ago, a good friend of mine really called me to the carpet on my lack of committment to my journey. I don’t think she really realizes how important that was for me. She felt that loving junk food was not the real problem and she was right, and I knew that. I just did not know how to put my true feelings into words. So I just started typing a letter to her with the thought of being very open an honest about my feelings. When I started doing that, something amazing happened.
I started to think about my life and what had brought me to this point. I started thinking about my childhood and how my obsession with food started. I was typing about some of my emotional issues, and in the middle of my letter to her, I had an epiphany. I really believe that this epiphany was a gift from God. He helped me see something that I had never thought of before. There were a couple of traumatic incidents in my childhood that caused me great pain and hurt. These incidents took away my power. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. I didn’t trust anyone because the people who I trusted the most hurt me the most. I had no one to turn to, so I turned to food. As I started typing these words, the following epiphany came to my mind:
Loving junk food is not the problem. It is the emotion tied to it. The food is a product of, or an outward display of what is going on inside of me. When I am eating most of the time, it is not because I am hungry. It is because I am upset, or my feelings have been hurt by someone very, very close to me, or stress. Before I even think about dealing with those emotions, I am already grabbing for something to eat, and 9 chances out of 10, it is something sweet that I am grabbing for. That is why I say that sugar is my drug of choice. It doesn’t matter how healthy I eat and what plan I am on, if I don’t learn to deal with my emotions. I have to call it what it is and put it out there. I have to allow myself to be vulnerable. I try to protect myself by building up walls around me, but this protection mode is the mode in which I abuse my body with food the most. I say that food is my best friend because it is comforting. It doesn’t hurt my feelings, or say mean things to me. It doesn’t make me feel alone, helpless, or feel like I am worth nothing. I get to choose! I have all of the power! As a child, things were inflicted upon me and my power was taken away. Food gives me that power back because I am in control. Who would have known that the control I was seeking would have caused me so much anguish over the years.
After I had typed this statement, I realized that I had just had what Oprah calls: “a lightbulb moment.” My eyes are wide open now. Now that I have been given this knowledge, what will I do with it? Now I know that I am in control, I need to learn to use that control for good in my life. That is what my journey will be all about. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me so much. I now know that He really does know my pain. This little bit of knowledge that He has just given me has helped me to know that He knows what I have been through, and He is aware of my personal struggle with weight. I also know that He is right here beside me waiting to help me; waiting for me to turn to Him for help, and waiting for me to choose life.
Rechel
Thanks for sharing that Rechel. I know it’s not always easy to get to the core of what really causes the overeating or losing ourselves in food. I can certainly relate to where you are coming from. Just know that you can change. It will take time but it will happen. I know that committment is so important. Be patient with yourself in the process. Sometimes I get so upset when I eat something I shouldn’t and it drives me into binging. Just know that you have my support. I still have quite a bit of weight to lose. I’m setting my goal for 2011 to reach my goal weight of 130 lbs. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve been there. Let’s get together and plan a time for exercise. I’m pretty flexible. You have to put away some time for yourself. We can start with 20-25 minutes of exercise and work up to 1hour. We will talk about it more. I love you and am willing to help you reach your goal. As you know, I will be trying to reach my too (smile).
Have a Merry Christmas!
Thanks for your thoughts Carol. I really appreciate you. We should get together for exercise. That would be fun. Balance is key for me. I have to organize my life so that I can get all of the important things in. That is my goal. You are doing well, and I am sure that you will reach your goal this year. Let’s work on it together.
Rechel
I love you Rechel. I am here and I wish I was there. I think about all our time together at BSU and how it was cut short with my graduation. I miss you and wish we were living nearby together with our families so we could support eachother. Your words are strong and telling. I hope you are proud of you and the journey you have chosen to take today and for the rest of your life. What ever I can do for you. I am there because you have been there for me.
I love you too Susan. I got your card in the mail today. Your girls are so beautiful. I miss you too, and I wish we could be close too. I am just grateful that I have you in my life. You have always been such a wonderful friend to me. You have always been there for me, and I appreciate you so much. I can’t wait to see you again.
Love, Rechel
That is a brave friend to say those hard words – but look at your epiphany!
Like unkind forces in your childhood, food has been controlling you in its own way. Now, you will control it. Identifying what makes you want to eat is a key in weight loss. I’ve been overeating lately because I have a job that makes me feel horrible every day. UGH! I noticed as soon as Christmas Break started, I’ve dropped 8 pounds. That was a lightbulb moment for me – now I know to watch how I “comfort” myself because of bad workdays. You’ll find your way!! Keep praying!!
Rechel, Mary Kaye Lyon (my mom) forwarded your email to me and I checked out your blog…your journey. What a hard thing to go through. I feel so much of the same feelings with food. It’s all emotional. And for me, a bit of an addiction. There are 2 books I have been interested in because of my eating. One is called “He Did Deliver Me From Bondage”. This one is written by a lady who uses LDS principles to overcome her addictions. The other is the 12 step program put out by the church. It’s called, “LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program.” These books are amazing. Maybe they could help you on your journey. You are a sweetheart. I pray for your success!
Love, Anna (Lyon) Jones
Anna,
It is sooo good to hear from you. I haven’t talked to you in so long. I am glad that your mom forwarded my information to you. Now we can keep in contact. I haven’t seen any of your children. That has to change. Thank you so much for commenting on my blog. I will check out your selections. I have read a bit of the Addiction Recovery Program. I found it on-line a few years ago, and I looked at it again just before I started my blog. It is there as a resource for me. I will look for the other book as well. Thank you for your love and I hope to talk to you soon.
Love, Rechel